Of Faith & Contrition
by thingies
Summary: A different take on the events of Meridian. Kind of Kidfic, but not the usual kind ; Please heed the warnings before the start of chapter 1
1. Loss Of Faith

Hi all, long time no read :)

I've decided to delet and republish this story, with an update and some tidying up of grammer, etc.

I know how i'm going to finish this now - thank god! And i've re read, having forgotten my own original plot ! *rolls eyes*

SO, if you've read this many moons and have waited patiently, i apolagise :/ RL throws some real succer punches some times and i really lost my muse and need to write...but... i think it's returned! For how long, i dont know, so i'll make the most of it !

This story contains a very traumatized child and Jack's not that hot either, so please read but be mindful it is very intense. And it contains swear words.

* * *

><p>Jack approached Daniel's office, his friends' usual bolt hole when things got sticky. There was no denying they were as sticky as they'd ever been at the moment and Jack was undeniably responsible.<p>

Approaching the door, Jack gently palmed it open, the slow creak breaking the stillness that engulfed the small room. Casting an eye over his friend's familiar sanctuary, it was soon apparent that it wasn't as it once had been.

Papers, parchment and ancient rolled reference material lay ripped; strewn over the floor and table. Mixed Artefacts once admired and handled with such care lay broken and scattered across the now damaged shelves. It was difficult to place a foot in the room without standing on what could be the remains of some irreplaceable piece of a distant planet's heritage.

Jack bit back a curse as he watched the once undisturbed ancient dust of long lost worlds hang in the still air. It wouldn't take many guesses for him to know who'd done this. He shook his head and sighed with regret as he gently eased some broken pottery fragments aside with his foot.

Carefully stepping amongst the pitiful fall out of the once loved room, Jack strained to listen for his archaeologist. Daniel might have been out of control when he'd run from Jack, but he wasn't completely stupid. He'd never try to leave the mountain alone, regardless of his ranting.

"Ja-ck?"

The broken voice of his most precious friend met Jack's ears. It sent a feeling of fear flooding down his back bone, numbing his senses and actions in a way that only a child's pained voice could.

Struggling to wade through the jumble more quickly, Jack headed to where the call seemed to have emitted.

"Daniel?"

Peering into the deepest darkest corner of Daniel's office, Jack spotted the small, frail body that sat curled up tightly against the dark grey corner. He struggled to his knees, crouching to reach the source of the familiar, questioning voice.

"I-I can't live like this, Jack," the voice whispered.

Jack could see small hands clasp bony knees and clench a little harder, knuckles a little whiter than before, if that was possible.

"Daniel, we'll fix this," Jack offered quietly as his own hands reached forward subconsciously.

"This i-isn't me." Daniel's head moved to one side slightly, making his dark blond bangs fall over the stretched white knuckles.

Jack was struggling, he didn't know what to say, but he knew he had to say something.

"I know." It felt pathetic and not enough, but he had nothing else.

Without warning, beseeching blue eyes flashed at him from the dimly lit corner. Tears were rolling down the pale cheeks unchecked. Jack could see the salty droplets splash in the undisturbed dust that had collected in this usually unseen place.

Watching the strained lips being softly chewed so persistently with tiny baby teeth hit Jack like a gut punch. It didn't seem to matter how many times he saw his friend like this, it never failed to break his heart.

"Jack…I'm afraid." As the tiniest breath left the child that was now Daniel, Jack watched his friend grasp his head to his knees, fingers entwined and pulling at the scruffy strands, "I can't do this," Daniel hissed, his anger now mixed with the confusion, tears and the desperation that he was undoubtedly feeling.

Jack could feel the corners of his eyes stinging; he was struggling to look, to acknowledge his mistake.

"I'm sorry, Daniel." He offered. To have said anymore would have betrayed him completely.

Jack could hear the sobs starting to shake the small body, any front for Jack's benefit of being in control long since gone, but no answer or acknowledgement of Jack's absurd apology.

"I couldn't let you go, Daniel." The words came from Jack's mouth unhindered, truth in every selfish syllable.

The small body visibly stiffened, only shaking a little with each rasped breath. Jack knew Daniel, even in this small body he was collecting his thoughts and feelings, ready to take on the galaxy on if necessary, regardless of the emotional cost.

From the head buried in dirty cut off jeans a tremulous voice emitted, "I was in pain, Jack."

Jack winced, he could see tears trailing the grubby shins of his friend and the once white t-shirt was covered with grime. He had done this; Jack's own pathetic need had done this.

"I know, Danny," he murmured. Jack had finally made it to sit on the cool floor himself, regardless of his own bodies complaints. He couldn't leave his friend here, not like this, even after everything.

Daniel's head lifted again, this time his face was fixed, angry and looked much older than its current thirteen years. The older Daniel was always clear to see in those cold blue eyes when his mood was right, "I asked you to let me go, I trusted you," he whispered.

Jack could feel eyes piercing him, waiting expectantly for the answer Jack couldn't give and Daniel knew it.

Jack ran a hand through his spiky greying hair and sighed heavily, "I can't say sorry enough Daniel, what more do you want from me?"

He had a lump in his throat the size of Cheyenne Mountain; they'd been through this before. Jack knew he'd been wrong; he'd tortured himself over the decision. He could do guilt, regret, the whole nine yards, he did it constantly. It was killing him from the inside out, little by little, bit by bit, but Daniel had never had enough and there was a part of Jack that wanted the agonizing reminder of his choice as his penance. He would never stop Daniel from questioning him until this had been fixed.

Daniel was now on his hands and knees, crawling from the hide away and visibly seething as he got up close to the older man. "I wanted to die, Jack! I wanted what Oma offered me, not this child's shell!"

Jack covered his face as the boy beside him climbed to his feet, shouting and ranting. Jack knew that body, he'd been trying to look after the man within it for the past eight weeks; they all had. Trying to nourish and sustain it without the owner's cooperation. It was emaciated, scrawny and bruised from lack caring by the soul that festered within its small confines.

It was a losing battle; Jack was tired of the fights, the screaming and the abuse. Daniel would accept no help; he fought enforced infirmary stays, refusing to let Janet put him on a drip on more than one occasion. When he hadn't been starving himself, he'd appeared to be eating normally, only to regurgitate any or all of the food he'd eaten. This was the start of the current argument. Jack had found him making himself sick. He'd seen the skinny ribs the kid had tried so desperately to cover and berated himself for not recognizing this current self-destruction Daniel was putting himself through.

The battle for Daniel's mind and soul seemed unending and sometimes unwinnable and Jack was starting to doubt his ability to fight it. He even doubted his right to try and fight it after taking his friend's choice away from him so brutally and without real understanding. The child and the man were punishing Jack's mistake in the worst possible way that they could; by hurting themselves.

"They won't fix this, Jack," Daniel taunted more quietly now, his face close to Jack's ear.

Jack felt a clammy hand rest on his shoulder. He knew that this wasn't really Daniel talking; Janet had said earlier that malnutrition would cause mental instability, but it didn't stop the pain of the accusing words.

He looked up into the eyes of his friends now recognizably gaunt features plastered with a fake smile, the dim light highlighting his protruding cheek bones.

"You could fix this, Jack," the quiet childlike voice offered with false nicety.

"I can help," tried Jack, his own voice breaking as he looked up from his seated position, wanting more than anything to hug the lonely, pale figure before him.

"Kill me, Jack," the child whispered.

Like a knife in the heart the words pierced Jack's soul. He couldn't speak. He tried to find his friend in those empty blue eyes that now stared at him without emotion or recognition of the friends they had once been.

Staring back and realizing what he'd lost, a tear coursed down Jack's own cheek without warning, his voice seized in his throat. If he hadn't lost him already, Daniel was slipping away from him faster than he wanted to admit.

Hearing familiar voices coming closer, Jack tried to form words. He expected his friend to see his pain, his loss and the battle raging in Jack's own mind in these horrific moments, but the child didn't move his face was unchanging and cold.

"Daniel!"

The name shouted was piercing as large hands came forward to physically remove the child that Jack was struggling to reach. The actions to him were like watching a scene being played out somewhere else, not here. He could only focus on the emotionless face whose eyes still watched him, waiting for an answer that Jack could never give, without doubt, wanting to hear Jack say that he'd grant the death sentence that he'd previously denied his dearest friend.

"I hate you, Jack," the child hissed bitterly through gritted teeth.

"I love you, Daniel," breathed Jack, his voice hurt and broken.

Another hand rested on his shoulder now, it was warm and squeezed some life back into his bones, even though he still felt cold to his gut.

"He didn't mean it, Sir," the voice consoled.

Jack nodded, another tear rolling down his cheek, "He did, Carter, he did."


	2. Unconditional Hope

Jack watched from the infirmary door. Daniel sat on the bed, his skinny knees tucked tightly under his chin once more. There was so little left of the child, how he managed to hold himself up was a mystery in its self.

Daniel looked clean now; Janet had obviously managed to get him to shower, one of the little things Jack had struggled with every day. Everything had been a struggle. Eating, sleeping, washing, dressing…living, it had all been the most horrible struggle.

When Daniel, his friend, was there in that small body, the reasonable intelligent man, sometimes, he needed Jack. Sometimes he wanted comfort, a friend, somebody to be normal with, but that wasn't very often. In fact, the need for anything had become less and less as time passed, the want diminishing along with the eating and the speaking.

Eating had never been his friend's strong point, but since this disaster it had been nearly non-existent and Jack now knew that what Daniel was eating was soon being bought back up. With the declining nourishment came the ever declining moods, more shouting, screaming and bitter, painful accusations.

Jack had never wanted to be the kid's father, he had wanted his friend. It was his fault what remnants of his friend remained were so bitter and distant. Jack should have let him go; he knew that now, when Janet had quietly taken him aside and told him there was nothing that they could do. Jack should have let his friend die…

"Colonel?"

Jack jolted from his reverie. Not having realised how obvious he was being.

"Yeah," he gave a wan smile, meeting that of the tired looking doctor.

"Come and have a seat, Colonel, in my office."

Janet gently patted his arm and smiled encouragingly. She more than anyone knew what Jack had been through.

He walked stiffly into the small room and dropped into the plastic chair opposite her desk. Papers were piled higher than Janet would have normally let them get, a sure sign of the difficult weeks they'd all had since Kelowna.

Jack chanced another quick glance at the bed Daniel was now lying down in.

"It's okay Colonel, he's sleeping. I've given him a sedative."

Jack turned back and nodded without losing the blank expression. He felt emotionally numb.

"We need to talk, Sir."

Jack's head snapped back to Janet's face, his attention having wandered again.

"Yes."

He could see Janet giving him the once over, but if the truth be known, he really didn't care.

"The situation with Daniel is rapidly becoming untenable, Sir. He's going to need professional care beyond my expertise and sooner rather than later if he's to make any sort of recovery from this."

Jack's attention slowly strayed back to the small sleeping form in the bed, the same bed his friend had recovered in so many times before, as Janet's dooming words washed over him.

"Colonel? Are you listening to me?"

Jack quickly looked back at Janet's now frowning face, "Yeah, doc, I'm listening."

"Maybe I can take him home, give you both a break, sir. You look exhausted if you don't mind me saying."

Jack shook his head, "He won't go with you, doc. He's made it perfectly clear he'll only stay with me."

Daniel had been very verbose about that from the outset, although Jack didn't know why.

"With all due respect, Colonel, he's a thirteen year old boy, even with that older mind in there, I think it's time we started to do what's best for him and not what he wants all of the time."

Janet's words where harsh, but probably true. Looking back at where the child slept again, he nodded as realization dawned upon him. It was to torture Jack; Daniel knew exactly what he was doing. He'd only stay with Jack to make his life unbearable and he knew Jack would never say no to him, Daniel knew Jack owed him.

"No Janet," the colonel said flatly. "If you can treat him this last time, I'll do my best to turn things around; he's my responsibility, doc… my friend." Even with the harsh thought taunting him, Jack would never give up on his friend.

Jack could see Janet's face crease with annoyance, even though she didn't voice it.

"Just this once, Colonel, if there's no improvement, I'm admitting him to mental health, no questions."

Jack forced a small smile onto his lips, "Thanks, Doc."

"And for your information, Sir, he's actually my friend too," Janet accused coolly.

Jack acknowledged her frustration with the situation when he met her eyes and read the unspoken worry in her look.

"I know, Janet and I'm sorry," Jack offered sincerely.

"Me too, Jack." The petite doctor stood, making her way from behind the desk while watching the colonel carefully. Without warning she placed a hand on his shoulder, "You should let us all help, Sir."

Jack looked at her honest and open face, knowing and feeling hurt that he hadn't seen that in Daniel's face since the incident, "I can't, but thanks."

Shrugging away, Jack struggled to his feet without verbalising the pain from his cracking knees. He had to make this right, one way or another, and he had no intention of giving up on Daniel, not ever.

"I'm going to get some sleep, Doc, call me when he wakes."

Janet nodded, but didn't smile this time. He knew she was annoyed with him for carrying the burden of this around on his shoulders alone, but that was his way. His mistake, therefore he would be the cure.

o0o

"Sir?"

Jack felt a hand tugging his shoulder, rousing him from sleep. His eyes felt dry and sticky and his mouth was following suit. He hadn't really eaten properly for days, along with consuming massive amounts of caffeine in the fight to stay awake.

His dreams had been filled with visions of Daniel asking him to 'let him go.' That damned Oma woman standing there so serenely, trying to take the nearest thing that Jack had to family away. The mere thought made him angry, how could Daniel ask him such a thing?

But then again, what right did Jack have to refuse?

Daniel hadn't needed his blessing to ascend; he could have gone without asking Jack. Daniel had wanted Jack's understanding, but the older man couldn't willingly let go of such a valuable soul, he wasn't that strong.

Daniel's ultimate test of friendship and trust, and Jack had failed it spectacularly and now they were both paying the price for Jack's weakness, of Jack's need and Daniel's unfaltering trust.

"Sir, he's awake," the gentle voice breathed, still grasping his shoulder.

Jack turned and looked back from his position facing the cold grey wall, "Carter?"

"Yes, sir."

Jack could hear the sympathy in her voice and knew, without really catching a glimpse of her face, the small smile that played on her lips. "Give me a minute, will ya and then I'll be out."

Jack shifted his weight, shrugging from the touch, ready to get to his feet. He could sense his second in command still at his back, a peculiar trait born from too long in the field together.

"Let us help, sir."

Jack turned fully, now dropping his feet to the floor, "I can't, Carter. He won't let me."

Sam's face showed all the concern needed without saying it. She'd been trying desperately to support Jack in the past weeks, but Daniel had clammed up whenever she'd come near. Jack knew that it had torn her apart knowing that the child wouldn't speak to her, when the man before had probably opened his heart to her nearly as much as he had to Jack.

"I'm so sorry, sir," she offered with a watery half smile.

Jack returned the gesture, "Me too, Carter."

"I'll still stay with him, if you want to have a break. I don't care what he does, you can't be expected to deal with him alone all of the time, sir."

Sam had taken on a more forceful and military stance in the space of Jack's tired words. Jack could tell emotional Sam was being side-lined for the military Major.

He sighed, "If it makes you feel any better, Carter. Okay."

"It does, Sir," she nodded and left the bunk room.

o0o

Daniel rolled onto his side, drawing his knees up to his middle. He searched the room for signs of his 'oh so good friend,' Jack. All he could see in the dimly lit infirmary was a haze of light spewing from Janet's office and the shadow cast by the cold food on his small table.

He lifted one frail arm up slightly, to look at the cannula that sat just beneath his nearly transparent skin. The thought passed through his mind to pull the offending object out, but he knew that wouldn't do him any good. He'd heard Janet; she was ready to ship him off to mental health, surprise, surprise. He needed to play this cool if he was going to get to go home with Jack again.

Placing his cold arm back beneath the sheets, Daniel rolled over a little and managed to see the infirmary entrance, the stark corridor lights cutting through the dull hew of the darkened room.

He remembered this place, the agony of what he had been suffering, mentally and physically, and the release offered to him by Oma. Life's many pains had become too great and a feeling of real belonging had been lacking. What Oma had offered him would not only have expanded his ever hungry mind, but also cleansed his soul.

A selfish act some might think, but eternal enlightenment and the chance to shed all of life's unwanted baggage were tempting gifts to a man that had suffered so much at the hands of so many.

In making his decision, the one thing Daniel had never allowed for, was that the one person he had ever truly formed a bond with during his life was unable to understand and embrace his opportunity. The person he trusted and loved the most prevented his move onto a higher plane with one small word… 'no.'

In that instant Oma had sensed Daniel falter. He should have been ready to go… he should have known Jack better. A tear coursed down his cheek, maybe he did know Jack well, maybe he wanted someone to say, no, to say they needed him?

Daniel swiped the errant tear from his face with the back of his hand. He hated his hands, they were so small and insignificant, just like he'd been as a child. His body was now a reflection of everything he despised of himself.

At least as an adult he could stand tall and try and make a difference, use his knowledge as a weapon while others used their fists or guns, but in this body he was emotionally and physically weak. He'd always been a child that other children didn't particularly like because of his abilities, but that didn't guarantee his acceptance into the adult world either. Being a child prodigy, orphaned and rejected by the only family he had, only re-enforced the perception that he was almost, untouchable.

Of the many things in Daniel's childhood, his over intelligence and orphaned status had been the biggest curse. Being back in a child's body bought all of his once forgotten self- loathing back with a vengeance.

Of all the things that could have happened to him, this was his biggest nightmare and he was living it. And because of one man, his ultimate peace had been ripped away.

Oma, unable to take Daniel due to the seed of doubt planted within him, had continued to ascend her subject, but then gave him back his human form almost immediately, however due to the power expended to carry out this small feat, Daniel took the form of his thirteen year old self and not the man he had once been.

Oma had somehow known of Jack's need and wanted to end Daniel's suffering. This, she had said, was another chance for both.

More tears rushed down his cheeks, stinging his sensitive skin. He could taste them as he rolled back quietly to his side the salty fluid spilling into his mouth, tears of anger, uncertainty and pain. Scrunching his fingers into the crisp cotton sheets, Daniel balled his fists tightly and muffled a sob.

Would he have seen his parents and wife once more, if he'd have taken that path anyway?

He couldn't lay all the blame at Jack's door, the doubt must have been strong enough within him for Oma to have done what she did, but it would never stop him hating himself or from striving to have, what had been so cruelly ripped away, replaced. Here and now, all he wanted was to die and ascend and watch his supposed friend suffer, but the love that he felt from Jack was still overwhelming and he knew, unconditional. He could never admit it, but he suspected that he would have managed to end this sorry existence much sooner if it hadn't have been for the older man and it was tearing him apart.

Jack cared and Daniel didn't want him too. Daniel had underestimated his friend and he hated it, yet felt thankful at the same time. He hadn't known that kind of love for so long and to be face with it now was like a double edged sword. Turmoil replaced what had once been such a certain feeling of isolation.

Everything was a mess, a disaster ultimately created by his own stupidity, on a planet that meant nothing to him and he knew it. Jack was just the brunt of all his self-loathing and Daniel wanted to end it now. Or did he?


	3. Repayment of Regrets

"Daniel? It's me, Jack."

The slight bundle rolled his head towards the quiet voice of his friend.

Jack watched as paper thin mauve lids fluttered open, revealing bloodshot red eyes. There was no recognition, no hint of a smile, only a blank stare. The older man stopped his automatic reflex to lean forward and brush back the fine fair hair from the child's face.

"Danny?" he tried hopefully.

The boy didn't answer, only continued to stare.

Jack's head dropped, brushing his face with his hands as if trying to wash away his worries. "I'm sorry, Daniel," he offered quietly, turning to leave.

"Me too, Jack." Daniel whispered.

Jack stopped in his tracks, 'he was sorry, too?'

Turning back, the colonel caught a flash of his friend's watery eyes. "You are?"

"Not for you, for me…go away, Jack," the child mumbled towards the wall.

Jack's heart sank in his chest, "but you have to let me help," he offered, touching Daniel's shoulder. He couldn't hold back any longer.

The words were colder this time, less like that of a child as the slight frame shrugged from the touch, "Like I said, go away, Jack."

Jack let his hand fall away back to his side. Daniel obviously wasn't ready to be civil. It happened that way sometimes, he could handle it. Well, on one level he could handle it. Jack turned away. Maybe he'd come back later. Maybe he'd go home, 'maybe he could induce some fucking miracle,' he thought bitterly to himself as he left the room.

Self-loathing came easily to Jack O'Neill.

~0o0~

Jack wandered aimlessly before approaching Daniel's office, the light was on, 'strange?'

Stealthily making his way to the entrance, Jack cast a furtive look around the door jamb… Jonas Quinn…

Sliding his hands deeply into his pockets and pulling back to lean against the wall, Jack sighed. There was no getting away from the fact. He had a deep dislike and distrust of the Kelownan and it was no secret that the colonel had gone to great lengths to avoid the man over the past few months.

It was far beyond Jack's comprehension how Daniel could be allowed to do what he had and selflessly save a planet, while one of its own cowered in the corner, too gutless to take the situation into their own hands.

Jack had heard the story…sometime after the event, after the alien had finally succumbed to guilt, doing the decent thing and trying to clear Daniel's name. As if it wasn't enough that Daniel had actually saved that god forsaken rock, the bastards had accused him of destroying their damn bomb into the bargain. The only saving grace for him was that Daniel hadn't died, but that was then. Now he was trying to deal with a man trapped inside a child's body, alive and as endearing and beautiful as the grown version could be, but hating Jack…more often than not these days, actually despising him.

He was torn by a decision that he should never have made, the only thing he feared being asked as much as losing his own flesh and blood. To let his very closest friend, a man that was essentially his family, die.

Jack gritted his teeth, tears welling in his eyes as he turned and kicked out at the wall. He was so bitterly angry with himself.

Hearing movement inside, Jack swiped his eyes, straightened his shoulders and walked into his friend's office, "Jonas, what are you doing here?" he asked coldly.

The fair haired man looked up at him, dropping books he'd been piling on a newly fixed shelf. He smiled half-heartedly, "Sorry, colonel. I just thought I'd clean up a little for Doctor Jackson."

Jack didn't move, or change his fixed features, "Who gave you permission?"

Jonas's eyes flicked back to the books as his mouth flapped a little, he was obviously a little shocked. "W-well…nobody did…si-colonel, I just thought…" He started to sweep his hand towards the leftover mess. Siler had done his best, but it look like a bomb had gone off thanks to Daniel's tantrum.

Jack's stare hardened as he cut in, "I know you didn't get permission, because I didn't give you it and I'm the one who has authority over Daniel's things, so I'd appreciate it if you'd get the hell out!" Jack's voice started to rise, he knew he was spoiling for a fight, but he couldn't help it, that's what this alien did to him.

Jonas's mouth dropped open, but he didn't move. Jack started to wonder if the kid had a death wish or something. "But I-I just wanted to help," he offered in shocked disbelief.

Jack took an imposing step forward, "But I don't want your sort of help, Jonas," he hissed low and threatening tone.

Jonas side stepped him, now frowning questioningly, "My sort of help?" he asked incredulously.

Jack started to squint; he really wanted to knock this man on his ass. "Cowards aren't my cup of tea, Jonas."

The alien's head dropped, before he rocked back on his heels. Jack couldn't understand what the man was staying around for; he thought he'd made his thoughts quite clear on the matter.

"It was a terrible accident, Colonel," the man muttered, still half regarding the floor, "I-I…maybe I should have done something, but because Dr Jackson had some training and was exceptionally self -sacrificing, he did the unthinkable, he saved my people. He did what I could not and wished I had." Jonas's head lifted and looked into Jack's unseeing eyes, pleading for understanding, "It should have been me, colonel, not him," he said sincerely.

While this little speech had lingered on, far too long for Jack's liking, Jack had continued to seethe more and more. Another step closer and he had a panic struck Jonas pinned by the throat against the office wall.

"Let me just say one thing," Jack growled menacingly. "What a crock of shit! And yeah, it should have been you. He was your guest, for cryin' out loud. He was also my friend, our colleague, my damn family!" Jack's face was now inches away from the Kelownan's and he could feel the man shaking. "You're just a spineless bastard Jonas Quinn and let's not forget, had it not been for me, you would have happily stayed on that damn rock and let Daniel shoulder the blame!" Jack dropped his hold, prodding the other man in the chest with his index finger, "So let's make this crystal shall we. You stay away from me and my team, especially Daniel. Do not try any of that 'hero story' shit on me, or anyone else here for that matter and just for the record, you will never, ever work with Daniel, regardless of what he's said to you."

Jack turned on his heel, tears pricking his eyes again. Jonas had looked about as shocked as a man could get while still standing, but it wasn't Jack's concern. The man was lucky Jack hadn't sucker punched him there and then. As far as the colonel was concerned, Jonas and his fucking planet meant nothing to Jack; Daniel, however, meant everything.

~o0o~

"Colonel, you cannot go around threatening our guests!" the General shouted as he hovered in front of Jack, stood to attention before him.

The Colonel's face was emotionless. The General doubted that anything he had to say was sinking in.

"I won't have it, Colonel, do you understand me?" George, now half-heartedly, reprimanded as he circled his desk.

"Yes, Sir," Jack said coldly.

Sighing as he loosened up a little, George looked more closely at his friend, "I mean it, Jack. Another outburst like that and you'll be in the brig, Jonas is our guest and I expect you treat him as such." The General well knew what Jack was going through, but that was no excuse for his current behaviour.

For his part Jack hadn't moved an inch.

George stepped forward and placed a hand on his second in commands shoulder, "Sit down, son."

Jack's attention seemed to come back at the touch; he nodded before slumping down in his seat.

George propped himself on the edge of the desk. Major Carter had been to him on a number of occasions over the past few days, expressing her concerns about her C.O, and Teal'c hadn't been far behind her. Jack had become more and more distant, and it seemed like they were losing him as well as Daniel.

"Jack," George started carefully, "I think he needs handing over to someone who can deal with him better."

Jack's head shot up and met the General's face full on, "No."

"Son, this is ripping you apart and we're worried."

"No." Jack shook his head emphatically and returned his absent gaze to the floor.

"I won't let this go on indefinitely, Colonel," George admonished quietly.

Jack didn't move, only slouched a little further forward. "I'll retire."

"What makes you think you'd be allowed to keep him?"

Jack looked across to the far wall; face unchanged, "He won't go anywhere else."

"He's a child, son." George said in a compassionate tone.

For the first time in the conversation Jack met his superior's eyes and spoke with conviction, "He's Daniel, Sir."

~o0o~

Jack had returned to sitting by Daniel's bedside, but not until checking their resident Kelownan wasn't still rummaging around in Daniel's things.

The boy was sleeping soundly, still amazingly hooked up to Janet's IV. She explained to Jack that she'd managed to get some nutrients into the boy via the drips, but he still hadn't eaten and until then, he wasn't going anywhere.

Jack had decided he'd at least try. The kid hadn't spoken to anyone, except Teal'c very briefly earlier and it had only been a few words according to his friend. Daniel would have to give in sooner or later if he wanted to go home.

"Sir?"

The voice startled him a little, but warmed him too at the familiar sound.

"How's he doing?"

Jack managed a small smile at Carter, before looking back at the bed. "He's okay, still hasn't eaten though."

She grinned, a sad look still lingering in her eyes. This catastrophe was affecting them all.

"I've bought him his favourite cookies, Sir. I hope you don't mind. I thought it might help start his appetite back up again."

Jack returned the smile, "Thanks, Carter. He always loved your cookies."

"I hope so," she nodded. "May I sit with you for a while, Sir?" she asked hesitantly.

Jack nodded, he was kind of glad for the company anyway.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Sam's hand dropped lightly onto his arm, "Do you think he'll get over this, Sir?" she enquired quietly.

Jack turned and watched the harsh light from the corridor fall across his second-in-commands features. Her concern was highlighted by shadows cast on her frowning face.

"I don't know," he said absently and he didn't. He doubted he would, but he didn't want to say that out loud, it sounded too final, like he was giving up on his friend in some way.

Jack watched a tear slowly search out a path down Sam's face before tumbling to her hand. "I don't want us to lose him, Sir." She half smiled though watery eyes.

"Me either, Carter," Jack turned back to the boy, feeling unable to embrace the woman next to him and absorb her pain. He had enough of his own to deal with and felt sure he was at saturation on that front.

She got to her feet and swiped her eyes, before leaning over the prone form in the bed, "I love him, Sir, like a brother."

She turned, straightening before looking back at Jack whose eyes now blankly followed her movements, "Don't give up on him, Sir." She whispered before leaving the room.

Jack watched her go, watched the broken shadows cast on the floor as she passed through them, and in her wake he looked back at Daniel.

"I will never let you go Daniel, do you hear me? Never."

Jack silently leaned his head on the foot of the bed as the tears came. He was fighting a battle he didn't know how to win. The tactics were untried and the spoils were not of this world, but one way or another, he would be victorious. His friend still resided in that body and he would get him back, by fair means or foul, death was not an option.


	4. Words Of Faith

Daniel sat, swaying slowly on the swing in Jack's garden. He'd been back for a few days now, having eaten and co-operated enough to get out of the infirmary.

The afternoon sun warmed his skin while he listened to the distant murmur of the television drifting from the house. The sullen heat of the day was dissipating as distant thunder started to rumble, breaking the oppressive silence of the summer weather. A light wind caressed Daniel's hair, inducing him to close his eyes and enjoy the minor relief bestowed by the teasing breath of the approaching storm. The boy sighed deeply; he was tired and felt so much older than his current thirteen years.

The constant battle he fought with Jack was wearing him down. He didn't want to be small, but deep down inside he felt he didn't want his friend to hurt either. Daniel just couldn't bring himself to give in, not yet. He wanted release. Not just for him, but for Jack too.

"Daniel?"

Daniel didn't open his eyes immediately. He wanted to keep the outside world, including Jack, out for a long as possible.

"Daniel."

His name was whispered, carried on the breeze.

Cracking a lid open, Daniel became aware that it wasn't Jack who was calling him this time.

"Why do you fight, Daniel?"

At the gentle utterance of the next sentence, Daniel looked up from were he had lowered his head. He could no longer hear the television, or the distant rumble of the storm. A figure, shrouded with white light, stood serenely before him.

"I…I can't stay like this," Daniel mumbled.

"You will grow again, that is the way of things."

Daniel watched the glowing form of Oma Desala and looked pleadingly into her intelligent gaze, "But I wanted what you offered."

"Your heart and mind, but not your soul."

Daniel frowned at the cool retort. His head was full of so many painful memories, so much hurt and yet an unconditional love had wheedled its way in without him realizing. It had been his undoing. "I want release," he pleaded quietly.

"Only you can provide."

And as quickly as she had appeared, her glowing essence faded away.

A tear rolled down Daniel's cheek…so much pain was caught inside him, so much hate. The problem was it wasn't hate. It is said that love and hate are born of the same desires and Daniel suspected his certainly was.

A droplet joined the tears, becoming as persistent as the doubt that was causing Daniel's distress. In seconds the sky turned dark, the rain began to fall heavily, soaking him to the skin as Lightning forked across the sky.

Daniel cried into his hands, feeling the beating torrent of water cascading over his body. It hurt nearly as much as the sorrow that was consuming him… and then warm hands, and warm arms engulfed his small frame. He heard nothing, only felt the touch as he was carried in from the torrential down poor.

~0o0~

"Daniel? For Christ's sakes, what the hell were you doing?"

Jack held the saturated child close in an attempt to transmit some of his own body heat. Daniel responded by wrapping himself around Jack like a scarf. It was one of the few times that he could remember the child wanting to be that close to him, but he knew that it was nothing more a physical reaction to the cold.

The storm crackled, filling the sky with vivid electric blue bolts of lightning. Jack forced the door shut against a gust of warm wind sweeping in the scent of ozone. He placed Daniel, drenched and shivering, on the chair, brushing back dripping dark blonde bangs from his forehead.

"Daniel?" Jack whispered worriedly, kneeling beside him.

Frightened tear filled blue eyes slowly opened, looking pleadingly at Jack. "I want it to be over, Jack," Daniel whispered.

The frown lines in Jack's brow deepened as he drew his friend close to his chest once more, feeling the small body shudder with sobs. "I know, kiddo," Jack whispered into the damp hair. The scent of the young, assaulted Jack's senses, but more than anything, it was the familiarity of the person that was still his most precious friend.

Daniel obviously needed the comfort, maybe this was the beginning of his friend's healing?

~o0o~

Day's had passed since the incident in the garden and life had seemed to start ticking along with some normality. Well, normal compared to what they'd been going through.

Daniel had been travelling the mountain with Jack, working without incident and had even been pretty civilised to his friend, much to Jack's surprise.

"Sir?"

Jack turned, spotting his second in command jogging to catch up with him. She was smiling, for the first time in a long time. She was smiling. It caused Jack to smile in return.

"Carter?"

She joined Jack at his side as they walked swiftly towards the armoury.

"I just wanted to say, sir. How much better things seem to be with Daniel, he seems much happier," she grinned.

Jack nodded and gave her a lopsided grin, "Yeah, Carter, he is. Not perfect, but better. How are you?"

Sam cocked her head at Jack's very empathic enquiry and realised she hadn't heard him make a quip in a very long time.

"I'm good, sir, ready to go off-world, finally." Sam paused before they entered the room, causing Jack to slow in front of her and look back enquiringly. "I'm really glad, sir- that things are working out," she offered with all sincerity.

"Me too," Jack nodded…

~0o0~

Daniel sat in his office; Jack hadn't long left the room. He had been rambling about the mornings briefing. Daniel hadn't really been listening, like he didn't listen to a lot of things these days. He gave the impression of being interested…co-operative even, but then that was the only way to make people leave him alone. Carrying on as normally as he could, that was the key to making his life easier and had given him time to think.

Oma's words, however brief, had been assaulting his thoughts for days. He knew he could never be happy like this. A small part of him wanted to be, but that part wasn't strong enough.

He didn't hate Jack. He hated his need for Jack, the person that had so obviously held him back, in more ways than one.

The trauma of everything that had happened felt like a weight too heavy to bear. He didn't want to speak about it, he wanted it to end. More than anything, he wanted peace. Everything was so confusing. Oma's words were so unclear… `Only he could provide?'

Sliding from the uncomfortable large chair in his office, Daniel peered around his door down the corridor. He was bored, tired of the act of normalcy already. Sliding his glasses up the bridge of his nose, Daniel checked in both directions of the corridor again and spotting no one, set off at a jog.

Daniel hated the sorry looks he got from the personnel he met on his way; he hated pretending to be ok and smiling falsely at people's concern. Deep down he was aware that most were genuine, but there were others that laughed behind his back and he knew it.

Finally near his destination, a few floors down from his office, Daniel slowed and stood behind a cupboard, observing some marines in the corridor.

He listened intently to their chatter. It seemed they were getting ready to go `off-world'. They all held P90's and side arms. Daniel looked at the buff black Beretta's and remembered how he used to carry his own, how scared he'd been of using it for the first time, until Jack had reassured him and arranged for more training; Not that he hadn't been shown, but a gun in a `peaceful explorers' hands seemed foreign somehow, and wrong.

Daniel sighed and rubbed the sudden tension from his forehead. He missed going with the team and being a part of it, instead of the dependent child that he'd become… `Only you can provide…' The words started to roll around his head again, that was until the click of a new clip being forced into the marines side arm made his eyes snap open.

He watched, suddenly drawn to watching trained, experienced hands manipulating the weapon. Daniel felt drawn to it, unexplainably attracted. However wrong it was, he could see a way out…an end…peace…

A tear surged down Daniel's face, his mind was in turmoil.

~o0o~

Jack paused and took another look at the sheet he'd signed to get his side arm. A familiar looking scrawl caught his eye. Jack squinted at it, brushed his finger over it and then looked at the Sergeant on duty, "Who is that?" Jack enquired still trying to place the pen mark.

"Doctor Jackson, Sir."

Jack now lifted his head and squinted at the man supplying the information, "How so?"

"Well, he came about ten minutes ago, Sir. He wanted to sign the sheet, like old times. Didn't want to disappoint him, so let him do it anyway," the man said almost wistfully.

Jack's frown deepened. "You let him sign the book, but no side arm?"

The air man looked slightly affronted, "Of course not, Sir. He's a kid!"

Jack suppressed the urge to roll his eyes, "I'm well aware of that fact, Sergeant. But I'm not happy with this. He's not to come near here, you got me?"

The air man snapped off a smart salute and came to attention, "Yes, Sir. Understood."

Jack absently waved his hand at the airman as he wandered away. Daniel never did something without a good reason, there was obviously more to this story than meets the eye…

Jack took a de-tour by Daniel's office to let him know that under no circumstances was he to even think about entering the armoury. He had just exited the elevator on Daniel's level when he heard it.

A bang. A loud bang, the sound ricocheting around the corridors with stark, cold clarity.

Jack's throat closed at the sound, the base alarm rang loud in his ears.

Someone shouted… "COLONEL O'NEILL," but the sound didn't register for a split second that may as well have been an eternity.

His knees buckled slightly and the contents of his stomach started to work its way back to his mouth with terrifying bitterness.

"DANIEL!" Jack's shout must have left his lips without his brains co-operation as he ran down the corridor in unexplainable slow motion.

He reached the door of Daniel's office only to find a crowd forming. Jack pushed himself through and literary fell to the floor, he's knees landing in the pool of dark red that was expanding by the second. He couldn't breathe at first, but then, in an almighty roar, he ordered the peering crowd the hell away.

Jack became aware of movement around him, someone prizing a bloody, limp body from his arms. He didn't want to let go. His shirt was damp and warm, he could smell the scent of Daniel from the fine hair, but no breath filled the small body.

"Sir, you have to let him go."

Jack shook his head and held Daniel closer, like his own body warmth would restore his friend.

The world seemed to start to take on a fuzzy haze. Voices mingled into soft murmurs and smooth, warm fingers continued to try and take his friend's body from his arms, but he couldn't let go…

"Jack?"

The world had dissolved into a starkly lit `gate room as Jack forced his eyes open and looked up from his now empty arms.

Searching the room for the answer to were Daniel had gone, Jack's eyes fell on a glowing form on the ramp. A small boy stood next to her, smiling serenely.

"Daniel?" he mumbled.

"Oma," the child smiled, his small fingers entwining around the beings a little tighter.

"You want to go?" Jack asked quietly. He didn't want to hear the answer. Not here, not again.

"He has chosen to stay."

Jack's head shot up, a sudden pain in his knee making itself horribly obvious.

"He has?" Jack stumbled to his feet, his eyes never leaving the divine face.

"I have offered to return him as he was."

"You can do that?" Jack was aghast, was he dreaming?

"I should not. We are not allowed to interfere." The hazy figure seemed to smile and shimmer as the child next to her smiled up at her.

Before Jack could process he found himself back on the corridor floor, holding a warm, yet lifeless body.

Jack let go at the shock and watched numbly as Daniel was removed from his arms. Was he seeing things? She'd said he'd come back?

"No!" he screamed, sliding in the blood as he hurriedly tried to stand. "You can't take him!" Jack shouted breathlessly reaching for the gurney. "She said he'd come back, she said he wanted to be here!"

Jack's hands were gently restrained along with shoulders as the gurney was swiftly rolled down the corridor.

"No, please," he begged silently, feeling comforting hands rubbing his back.

The next thing that Jack knew, he was laying in the Infirmary, Janet Frazier standing over him, dressed in scrubs covered in blood. His eyes filled up as she placed a hand on his arm.

"No," he muttered, shaking his head.

"He's gone Colonel."

Janet encouraged Jack to get up; he'd obviously passed out with shock. Not far from where he lay a bed held a pale figure under a clean, white infirmary sheet. Jack felt a lone tear course down his cheek. He reached out to touch the Daniel's cheek…immediately the slight body was surrounded with light, the intense energy surging towards the ceiling, leaving nothing but an empty bed…


	5. Rekindling Of Belief

Weeks had passed and nothing. Everyone had mourned the loss of Daniel. Everyone that is, apart from Jack. Something in him told him this wasn't the end. He'd cried for the child, berated himself for thinking everything was okay, but he hadn't lost hope. Jack hated what Daniel had done, after Charlie…after everything, but it didn't stop the love he felt for the man.

Jack knew that Sam couldn't understand his apparent indifference. She obviously thought the trauma had affected Jack and nothing he could say could change her mind. Teal'c was always there, but only in body, like he was waiting for Jack to break down, but everyone else trod on eggshells around him. Well, around what remained of SG1. They were on stand down until further notice.

Jack ran a hand roughly across his desk, reports fluttering to floor. What the hell was he doing here anyway? Maybe Carter was right, he was ready to go home.

"Sir!"

The shout frightened him half to death. Carter stood breathless in his doorway.

"What?" he asked, frowning and rubbing his head.

"You have to come," she panted. "Now, sir."

He couldn't form words, what on earth was the matter with his second in command?

"It's Daniel, Sir. He's back…,"

~o0o~

Daniel sat looking at the door to his office. What the hell was he doing here? He couldn't remember anything…no, that was a lie- he remembered a planet very much like Earth, but not quite as advanced. People wanting to show him their technology…He couldn't remember the names…He couldn't even remember how he came to be sitting in his office.

Daniel shook his head in a vague attempt to clear his mind. Sam had burst in earlier, looking like she'd seen a ghost and then bustled out, grinning like the cat that got the cream, very odd…

Suddenly, Daniel's quiet contemplation over his current strange predicament was broken as the door swung violently open and Jack sped in, panting like he'd run a marathon. "Daniel?" Jack stilled in the doorway, looking expectant, like Daniel had all the answers.

Daniel was no closer to an idea about what was happening, but when he didn't do anything more than blink Jack lost it, and immediately started with the yelling, not that that was anything new for Jack.

"Jack?" Daniel blinked a few more times, before rubbing his head and ducking away to try and find where he'd left his glasses. 'Where the hell had he left his glasses?' He didn't feel like he'd been asleep, he just felt like there was something…missing, maybe.

Without warning, Jack stood before him, grasping his shoulders a little too tightly, shaking him, "Daniel, what the hell's going on? Are you okay?"

"Jack, will – you – cut –that – out," he spluttered, in between jolts.

Daniel managed to focus on the slightly blurry face of his friend, to see Jack's 'concerned look' turning into a 'very annoyed colonel' look. Daniel knew that one well. So what had he done now?

"Daniel, what the hell are you playing at?" The shaking stopped and Jack turned hurt eyes onto Daniel.

"I-I don't understand, Jack. What's happened?"

Jack's face twisted into a grimace as he squeezed Daniel's shoulders a little tighter, "What happened?" he nearly spat.

Daniel swallowed hard. Jack was obviously annoyed. The archaeologist darted a quick, questioning gaze at Sam, who had appeared and was standing just inside his office doorway.

Receiving nothing but a blank expression from Sam, Daniel stammered on, "I-I really don't understand, Jack."

Daniel looked straight at Jack, trying his utmost to convey his honesty and complete confusion about the situation.

Jack cocked his head, his gaze piercing. At first Daniel thought he was going to speak and explain everything, but then he dropped his hold abruptly turning away to look at Sam. "He doesn't remember."

"Remember what?" Daniel asked, feeling more than slightly annoyed himself.

As soon as he spoke Sam joined Jack in glaring at him, like he knew the answers to the universal question of the meaning of life.

"Daniel?" she asked frowning.

It was all too weird. He didn't remember how he'd gotten here, what he'd been doing before he became aware he was in his office or why Sam and Jack were treating him like he'd murdered somebody… or something.

"Look," he said, making his annoyance clear, "I really have no idea what on earth is going on. I don't remember how I got here, what I was doing before I got here." He paused for a minute, scanning his memories for the last thing he did remember before this from his jumbled mind. "I have vague recollections of a planet…somebody wanting to show me some? Or something, but that's it."

Daniel had a sudden thought and started to feel his head for bumps and bruises, "Did I hit my head or something?" he mumbled as he brushed his hands over his short hair. Surely if he'd had an accident, he'd be in the infirmary?

Jack's hold relaxed as Daniel absently met a concerned gaze being turned upon him once again. "You really don't remember?" he asked more gently.

Daniel shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose; he could feel a headache forming due to the lack of his glasses.

"Come on," Jack patted his shoulder, sounding a lot less tense. "We'd best get you to the infirmary and then we'll take it from there."

Daniel's head snapped up and he looked at Jack in confusion, "But I'm fine, really."

Sam giggled and Jack looked at him questioningly, "Okay, okay. Not fine, but I don't want to go to the infirmary."

"Nothing new there then, Danny boy," scoffed Jack. "Come on, Janet will want to see you anyway."

Before Daniel really knew what was going on he was being led away by his friends, all be it against his better judgement, but it was probably best not to argue at the moment.

"I died?" Daniel drawled out in confusion.

"Kind of," Jack nodded.

"Kind of?"

"Yeah, the glowy lady stepped in."

"The glowy lady?" Daniel muttered, shaking his head slightly.

"Yeah, you know…old Oma- whatever her name is," Jack waved his hand around casually as if he could pull the words from his mind.

"Desala, Jack…Sooo, what she do?" Daniel asked casually, swinging his legs from the infirmary bed he was still sitting on.

Jack looked at the floor. Daniel knew he was avoiding the subject. He just wanted to understand. It appeared he had months missing from his life and he couldn't understand how it had happened and more importantly, why.

"Jack?" Daniel probed a little more firmly.

Jack looked up and washed his hands over his face, "Look. Doc thinks it's better if you remember on your own and I'm inclined to agree."

Daniel fixed Jack with a glare, "So what's really wrong, Jack?"

Jack's head shot up more forcefully and his gaze met his friend's head on. "Nothing's wrong, okay? I just think you need to work this out for yourself, like the Doc said."

"Whatever," Daniel mumbled, sighing, before looking at the floor resignedly. He knew damn well this was O'Neill avoidance tactics.

"Daniel." Jack warned before getting up. "Look, I have to go-things to do. I'll catch you tomorrow, okay?" Jack seemed to shuffle around on the spot for a moment before walking slowly out of the infirmary with his hands firmly sunk into his pockets.

Daniel looked on as his friend left.

There was definitely something wrong. Jack would have normally have asked him home with him, made sure he was okay. Not that he wasn't okay physically, but he'd just found out months of his life were missing and Jack had gone.

Daniel sighed and continued to try and rake through his mind in the hope of recalling something, but it was like the last few months had never happened as far as he was concerned. If Janet and Sam hadn't have asked him about it, he would have been none the wiser when he'd first been bought to the infirmary and now Jack wouldn't talk to him. He was at a bit of a loss as of what to do.

Juggling bags of groceries, Jack dug into his pocket for the key and fumbled to unlock his front door. He'd not really didn't need to go to the store, but it had seemed like the kind of inane activity he needed at the moment to take his mind off of things.

As he dumped vegetables' into the refrigerator draw, Jack winced at the lonely can of soda that sat on the shelf. Beads of water collected on the shiny surface as Jack remembered how much Daniel liked cold Root Beer, even as an adult. This can was left over from before his friend had ended things this way and nearly taken Jack's sanity with him.

He felt guilty for leaving Daniel sitting there, alone in the infirmary, but there was a part of him that couldn't bring himself to spend more time there. Not now. Past events still hurt too much and Jack could still see that hurting child in those blue eyes that looked back at him with no comprehension of what had happened. He knew Daniel couldn't remember. He knew it was genuine. And his friend was back as he used to be, but Jack couldn't forget. He couldn't put aside what the child Daniel had put him through and finally broken his heart into a million pieces once again. Janet had explained his depression must have been so much deeper than they could have realized and she'd been distraught about the whole horrible incident as it was. But that didn't change what had happened.

Why would Daniel hurt him like that? He knew what he'd been through; he knew the pain of losing someone close. Jack just didn't understand, as much as he wanted to. He wanted to forgive his friend, understand the agony of not being where he wanted to be and apparently all because of Jack, but he couldn't, not yet. Now he needed time and he thought Daniel did too. Maybe his memories would come back? Jack didn't want to think what would happen if they didn't. How was he supposed to explain the last few months? It had all been so wrong when it could have been so right, but Daniel didn't remember and for now, that was the way it was going to stay.


	6. Miracles Of Faith

"Daniel Jackson, it is good to see you again."

Daniel's eyes shot up as he spotted his Jaffa friend making his way towards him. Many people had passed by to say hi and welcome him back (apparently he'd been gone for a while?), including General Hammond. But no one had said anything about his memory loss. It was like a curse would be bestowed if they spoke of it.

Daniel's pathetic probing of various people had led him to a dead end. Apparently everyone agreed with Janet on this one, but that didn't help him and it certainly didn't explain Jack's odd behaviour.

"Hey, Teal'c," Daniel smiled wanly.

"Where is Colonel O'Neill?" asked the big man in his usual direct fashion.

"Oh," Daniel mumbled fiddling with his glasses, "he had stuff to do, said he'd be back tomorrow."

"I am surprised he is not here with you," offered Teal'c as he took a standing position at the end of the bed.

Daniel shrugged his shoulders while inspecting the military issue sheet and blanket lying on top of him. Janet had said she'd wanted him to stay under observation, just until tomorrow, despite the fact that he felt fine.

"O'Neill was very upset, Daniel Jackson."

Daniel looked back up at his friend, "When I died?" Obviously Teal'c hadn't been privy to Janet's instructions. Maybe this was his chance to find something out?

Teal'c nodded solemnly. "O'Neill did not understand your reasons for ending your life in the manner that you did, he found it very distressing."

Daniel schooled his features. End his life? Alarms bells began ringing, loudly, in his head.

"I-It was an accident, Teal'c," Daniel offered shakily. He couldn't believe he'd actually ended his life, but Teal'c wasn't one to lie or beat around the bush. He had to carry this off without giving away the fact that he couldn't remember. He felt sure Teal'c would stop talking if he realized.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow in the way he always did when asking a question without actually asking a question.

"I do not understand how it could be 'an accident' as you put it, Daniel Jackson?"

Daniel's brow creased as his gaze fell quickly back to the blankets he'd been fiddling with. He was trying so desperately not to give away his memory loss, but the Jaffa was more intuitive than most people knew. "I-I understand your point of view, T, but-but these things happen." Daniel didn't look up and the Jaffa didn't move, he hoped he hadn't given away his- up till now- badly kept secret.

"Colonel O'Neill's point of view; is as ever, I fear, very different from your own after the way he lost his own son and then you, Daniel Jackson."

The archaeologists mind started to whir, 'lost Jack's own son and then me?' Oh my god… what had he done? And why couldn't he remember what it was he'd done? "Teal'c…I-I wasn't thinking…" he paused to catch the accusing glare from his tall alien friend. What ever had happened, this was a biggy, a Daniel sized catastrophe, if ever there was one. "I need to see Jack." And that's all he could think, his mind hadn't had time to put all the pieces together, not by a long shot, but what ever had happened had obviously deeply affected his best friend.

Before he knew what was happening, strong hands were holding him as he attempted to get up. "Daniel Jackson, I do not believe it would be in your best interests to go and see Colonel O'Neill now and you should remain under observation with Dr Frasier as advised."

"But I _need_ to see, Jack. Now!"

"Daniel Jackson, do not make me restrain you any further. I do not wish to harm you."

The struggle that broke out was futile on Daniel's part. Teal'c always had the upper hand and when Janet arrived on the scene it was one nil to the angry looking alien.

"Daniel, you need to rest!"

"I'm not a kid, Janet! Teal'c, let go!" And in that moment a flicker of a memory came to him…A child?

"Then stop acting like one, Dr Jackson and lay still!"

Janet's angry rant fuzzed into the background as long forgotten picture of himself as a child formed in the back of his consciousness, but he wasn't alone…

"He's asleep Teal'c, but maybe you should call up the colonel, Daniel seemed pretty distressed."

"Janet, what's going on?"

Janet felt relief on hearing Sam's voice, she didn't realise the major was even still on base.

"Daniel Jackson became very distressed while demanding to see Colonel O'Neill, I had to restrain him," Teal'c stated with a matter of fact.

"But he was fine earlier?"

"He became distressed when discussing his death."

Both Janet and Sam took a sharp breath together, "But he didn't remember, Teal'c ?"

Tealc's eyebrow rose. "He was discussing his actions with me, I do not understand?"

Sam was about to comment, but Janet jumped in, "He was found in his office with no recollection of the past few months events, none what so ever," Janet stated emphatically. "I was under the impression that all personnel who new anything of the events were informed?"

Tealc looked confused at this question, so Sam stepped in. "Didn't the colonel come and see you? I just assumed he would have been the one to tell you that Daniel was here?"

"I have not seen Colonel O'Neill since this morning; it was General Hammond who asked if I had seen Doctor Jackson. I did not stop to discuss the question, only made my way directly here."

"So he knows he shot himself?" The words where like poison on her lips and her stomach lurched involuntarily.

"Yes." Tealc inclined his head.

Janet gritted her teeth and Sam's chin fell to her chest. "So he lied to us?"

Sam sighed, shaking her head, "No, I don't believe that Janet, he wouldn't do that."

"Who'd have ever thought he'd do what he did to the colonel as his child self, and with all his memory's intact !" Janet nearly shouted.

"He was a young, Janet. The ability to distinguish between feelings and especially left over adult memories mixed in with his life experiences was a huge strain. Even you said that to us."


	7. Failing Hope

**OK, this was going to be the last chapter...but its not, sowwy :/ The muse wouldnt let me end it right there, but i am writing the next bit as we speak. For once time is on my side and with requests to wrap this up i've been a busy bee. Will - with any luck- post the last bit tomorrow :) enjoy xx**

* * *

><p>Sam scooped Daniel into a firm hug without even thinking about it, this man was like her little brother and as horrible as everything had been she could never turn her back on him.<p>

"I will go and get O'Neill."

Janet gave Tealc an appraising look, "Are you sure about that? I don't think that the colonels ready for this yet."

Sam glanced over from her position of holding her friend who was rapidly creating a warm wet patch on her BDU shirt although nothing could be heard coming from the younger man. "They need to deal with this, Janet. I don't think there will ever be a right time and the longer they leave it the harder this is going to be."

"But what does he remember? How can an attempted apology of this magnitude be made if Daniel has no understanding of the situation he was in?"

"Janet, I know that you're looking at this from a medical prospective, but I really think The Colonel and Daniel need to work through this together. You have to agree that their relationship was almost paternal before all of this, surely they have the strength to make the decision about how they resolve this?"

Janet sighed, "Look, I hate to play devil's advocate here, but they're not family and this incident is more than enough to derail even the securest of friendships – we have nothing to compare it to with respect to current medical and psychological studies. I don't think anything should be forced here."

Daniels tear stained face appeared from Sam's shoulder, although devastated from over hearing the earlier conversation, he was resolute about the action that he needed to take. "I need to see, Jack. He's my best friend, probably the nearest thing I've had to family since I was eight. If he'll see me I need to do this, Janet. Please?"

Feeling all eyes on her, Janet surveyed her friends. It looked like she'd have to trust them with this one. "Ok, ok, but not before I've checked all of your vitals and then…if I'm satisfied, Tealc may fetch the colonel."

Daniel was smiling warmly and nodding his head as Sam moved away to let the medic do her work.

"Sam, please go with Tealc and make sure that the colonel only comes here if he's willing. As much as Daniel wants to deal with this, we need to make sure that Jack's ready too aswell, agreed?"

All nodded breathing various forms of thank you while the small doctor went about her work pronouncing Daniel fit for his friend to see.

~o0o~

"Sir?" Sam peered around the ever open front door of her CO's house. Teal'c wasn't far behind and seeing that the major wasn't getting any answer, offered to check in the yard.

"Sir, it's Carter, are you here?" Sam carefully entered the house, quickly assessing the area to see if there were any signs of the inhabitant. The creaking at the top of the stair made her jump.

"Carter, I'm up here. What are you doing here?"

Sam smiled at her CO standing clad in sweats and an old t-shirt staring down at her. She heard Tealc re-enter the house behind her informing her that the yard was empty.

"T, big man, you're here too. What's with the team outing?"

"Is it ok to talk, Sir?"

Jack nodded absently, "Yeah, yeah, come on up. I'm just sorting out the guest room."

"I shall make coffee if you wish O'Neill."

Jack smiled, "Wow, didn't know you could big guy, knock yourself out."

Before Tealc could ask the question, Sam smiled at him confirming his offer had been accepted. The Alien nodded without further expression and set off to the kitchen as Sam made her way up the stairs.

Entering the room she knew that Daniel had occupied both as a man and later as the colonel's charge before the horrible outcome of the last few months, Sam felt her throat tighten. The room was beautifully decorated with very pale yellow and dusky white walls. Dotted around were various gold hieroglyphs, something that her CO had obviously thought Daniel would be at home with. There was a laptop, shelves of board games, endless books and the occasional expensive looking teddy bear. It was everything she thought a young Daniel would have wanted. Jack sat solemnly on the bed sorting through piles of clothes, some warn and some brand new with GAP labels on, but all in the familiar style that Daniel chose to wear. Nothing overly bright or fashion conscious, just practical everyday stuff.

"I thought I'd better start sorting this lot out, can't leave it for too long. Some other kids would probably kill for this stuff."

Sam smiled and sat carefully on the edge of the bed, "Yeah, I'm sure Daniel would want this stuff to go to a good home and get some use."

Jack turned serious eyes on his second in command, "He didn't want it, Carter, he never wanted it."

"He really doesn't remember, Sir. You need to speak to him."

"I remember, Carter, in here," Jack patted his chest his eyes looking slightly watery.

"Daniel the child was so different, Sir. This Daniel, our Daniel, would never hurt you like that. He cares too much."

Jack stood sharply and walked to the window, not looking back. "How can you say that, Carter; he had his memories as a child, of our friendship, of everything all of us did and were trying to do for him. He had every reason to trust me - to trust all of us - and look what he did. One child, Carter, that's enough for any man to loose in a lifetime, but two and your best friend by the same ends?" Jack was nearly shouting now.

Sam scrunched the quilt in her hands wishing she had an answer to make everything right again, but she knew her CO's pain, she'd been there on more than one occasion and she couldn't make any of this right, she could only try and help her friends talk to each other again and hope that they could sort through the train wreck that this situation had become. "He wants to see you, Sir." She paused watching Jack turn to look for her explanation. "He overheard Janet, myself and Tealc talking after he'd tried to get Tealc to tell him where his missing months had gone…He knows what he did."

Jack frowned, "And did that little reminder kick-start any other recollections of the crap we went through with him?"

Sam sighed looking deep into the brown emotionless eyes that stared back at her. It hurt her to see how callus this man who'd cared for Daniel in the most demanding of situations had become, even though she understood why. "No… no, he has no other recollections, only the bitter hate of himself for what he did to you in the end. He's well aware of how much he must have hurt you, but beyond that, there is nothing. To get any kind of understanding or closure you both need to talk. Please, Colonel, for both your sakes."

"Not now, Carter. I can't. I'm sorry, but right now I need time to get my head around all of this. You and T go and sit with him, hold him, or whatever it is you want me to do, but right now I can't."

As Jack turned back to the window and Sam's eyes filled with unshed tears, Teal'c appeared at the door carrying coffee. He glanced at both occupants, but Sam shook her head and got her feet ushering Teal'c down the stairs. As they reached the door the landing squeaked again.

"I will talk to him again, Carter, just not now, ok? Just not now." Jack looking very old in that minute turned away wandering back to his guest room and Teal'c and Sam returned to base with the bad news.

TBC


	8. Re-discorvering faith

Jack returned to his sorting as he heard the front door close. Looking at the shelves full of beautiful things, it all rushed back again and the anger and loss he felt over flowed. Angrily swiping the toys and books from the shelves he let out a shrill cry of frustration. He didn't keep a gun in the house any more for obvious reasons, but if he had, he'd have been closer than ever to using it and ending this misery.

How dare Daniel have the all those memories scrubbed from his mind! How dare he not remember the utter misery he caused! How dare he not want to be his kid...

A tear rolled down Jack's face as he fell to the floor amongst the unused toys. Staring blankly at the walls he'd painstakingly painted, he knew he was wrong. He could never have another child, never replace Charlie... More tears rolled down his worn cheeks, no sounds only the laughter of the and bustle of the kids finishing school. He barked a laugh of disdain for his situation and the irony of the noises flooding in the open windows. What the hell had he been thinking anyway? He was to old to be a dad and to military. To set in his ways, to grumpy, to sharp... "Just not dad material," he mumbled to himself, swiping the tears from his cheeks.

He hadn't heard Sam re-enter the house. She'd heard the shout from the house as they'd strated to get back in the car. Asking Teal'c to stay, she had quietly made her way back to her CO, still worried the effect all of this was having on him and knowing he would never speak to anyone unless pushed.

She heard his last muttered deceleration causing her own eyes to sting. From the door, Sam slowly entered the room and saw the colonel awkwardly sitting on the floor amongst the belongings that were once her friends. "Sir?" she asked gently reaching out a hand to touch his shoulder. The older man jumped slightly before staring up at her questioning features. He didn't speak and he didn't move, he just stared at her. Slightly worried Sam offered an explanation for her presence. "I was getting in the car and heard you shout. I was worried, Sir."

"Sorry, Carter," he muttered, shrinking away from her touch and stiffly getting up from the floor.

"I didn't mean to pry, Sir."

He made busy picking things up and throwing them into a bag. "No, no. It's fine, Carter. I was just...thinking."

Sam watched for a minute, a little lost as to what to do. Making a decision, she decided to wade in. It could back fire, but what the hell. This situation couldn't really get any worse. "Sir, I think you're wrong about being dad material," she blurted.

Jack stopped dead as another teddy bounced into the bag. "What?"

"You said you weren't dad material, I disagree, Sir."

Jack stood and stared at his second in command, a cold hard stare."How so?"

Sam swallowed nervously, there was no backing out of this conversation now. "I've seen you with kids, you'd be a great dad."

Jack hadn't moved, not even blinked it seemed. "Carter, they weren't my kids, or did that fact just evade your brilliant mind? My kid or kids - although Daniel was never mine in any way shape or form - I killed, or let get killed, didn't look after them properly, let them down, but I certainly didn't do what a good father does so don't try and feed me that bull about it not being my fault. Twice? Twice is not a mistake, Carter, its not an unfortunate occurrence, it's tantamount to handing them the gun. So lets quit this, 'lets make the colonel feel better' crap right here and now shall we?" Jack was all but shouting by the end of that and now more angrily than ever, endless bags full of toys and trinkets continuing to be filled.

Sam's eyes pricked with unshed tears, she hadn't realised how much her CO had blamed himself for all of this and everything that had gone on before. "Sir, whatever you think, none of this is your fault and I'm not trying to placate you. You need to talk to Daniel or shout at him, but you need to do something."

Jack stopped abruptly once again and stared at the women he considered one of his closet friends and probably cared a little more about than he really should. "Am a talking to myself here, Carter. I've told you, I can't. End of discussion."

"No, Sir. It isn't." Sam was determined to get him talking if it was the last thing she did. "You're wrong about being a dad, there have been times since our teams been together that you have been more like a dad to Daniel than a CO and I'm not the only one who's noticed. We are family, Sir and what ever happens, however much anger and screaming there might be, we still love each other and Daniel hates what he's done to you and if you don't speak to him and stop feeling sorry for yourself, you'll never forgive yourself." Sam paused and watched Jack look at her, not sure if he was going to explode or hug her. "Sorry to speak so plainly, but there it is, Sir and I think that you need to speak to him now and get this sorted out."

Jack continued to stare, unbelieving at his second in command. Was he feeling sorry for himself? He new he'd always held Daniel a lot closer than a normal CO should, but they'd been through things that no other team had and formed bonds that were hard to ignore. He'd try to separate out this life when this had all got going again, but on the first night back he ended up with the geek in his house having to look after him. He knew then that this was never going to be any normal command and certainly no ordinary team, but Daniel had hurt him. And not just skin deep. His heart and been wrenched from his chest again. Could he forgive him?

He looked around the room and then at his very persuasive Major. Throwing the stuff aside he huffed and made his way to the door. "Come on then, Carter. Let's get this over with, but I'm not making any promises, ok?"

"Yes, Sir." she smiled following the colonel close behind.

FIN

(Might do an epilogue, thoughts?)


	9. Faith re-discovered

The last bit...woohoo!

* * *

><p>Pushing the door open to Daniels office, Jack could see the younger man engrossed in a book. He looked younger than he remembered – before the incident, but he assumed he would never be able to shake the picture of that little boy from the man that sat before him now.<p>

"Hey."

Daniel turned quickly, a genuine smile of his face, only for it to turn slightly sad as he looked Jack up and down. "I'm so sorry," he offered sadly.

Jack picked up a small cup and rolled it around in his hands trying not to look to much at the man in front of him. He still felt hurt, really hurt.

Daniel stood, but Jack backed away a little. "No, Daniel, please. I can talk, but right now that's all I can do right now."

Daniel, still standing, fiddled with his glasses and glanced at the floor. "But I don't know what to say, Jack."

Jack sighed, if the truth be known, he didn't either. "Look, I'm here, okay. I don't know how to what to say either and I don't know how to start to forgive you," he nearly whispered.

Daniel sat back down turning back to his book. "If you're not comfortable, I don't expect you to stay here, I understand."

Jack rolled his eyes. How did the kid do that? Make him feel guilty? Wasn't it meant to be the other way around? Sighing again, Jack walked up a little closer to his archaeologist. "I'm here to find out, Daniel. I need to know if you really don't remember."

Daniel looked over his shoulder, frowning."Of course I don't," he said accusingly.

Jack perched against the bench, "But we went through so much." The fiddling with small items continued.

Daniel now turned, slight anger visible in his eyes. "I don't remember, Jack. Or don't you believe me?"

Jack carefully eyed the younger man, possibly looking for the truth to be visible in his eyes. "I don't know...or maybe I didn't know," Jack sighed.

Daniel looked hopeful, "You do believe me?"

God the kid looked wide eyed and like he needed a hug. Why is it that the people you care about the most can hurt you the most?

"You hurt me, Danny," Jack said quietly.

"But it wasn't me, not the me I am now and I wouldn't do that to you, surely you know that in your heart of hearts?"

Jack nodded ever so slightly. "I know."

Daniel fiddled with his shirt sleeve and his eyes flitted tot he floor. "So can we start again?"

Jack considered the heart felt plea he heard and nodded slightly. "One step at a time, Danny. One step at a time."

Daniel smiled slightly, "That's all I want."

Jack stood slowly and scrubbed at his face, "Come on, you look like you need to eat. I bet you haven't eaten anything but candy bars for days."

Daniel smiled one of his small deprecating smiles that he did sometimes and stood up. Jack slightly manhandled him towards the office door before swiping quickly at his eyes. "Come on Spacemonkey."

From around the corner Sam and Teal'c stood well away from the action, Sam observed the first tentative steps of the rebuilding of a very special relationship. She knew that there were few people closer without being blood relatives other than her CO and their archaeologist and maybe their funny little father/son thing could carry on a few months from now and all would be back to normal in the SGC.


End file.
